Posts Tagged ‘IVF’

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Why oh Why do Christmas songs seem to have the ability to reduce grown women to tears ..or is this just me ?!

A few years ago I was sitting in Starbucks happily minding my own business when this song came on in the background and completely floored me .

Not just a few tears floored me but full on drop my mince pie and have to run to the toilets variety .

It had been a tough few months , I had miscarried after IVF treatment and though the loss was “very early on ” as people kepttelling me , it was still loss .

It was still MY loss .

And for all my best efforts at staying chirpy during the Christmas holidays there was always a sadness just waiting under the surface .

As one client put it so well recently a little black cloud following her around .

Well my black cloud chose Starbucks to start pouring .

I wish I could now tell you of a magic formula that I did that day to make it all feel much better . But in truth there wasnt one .

Actually I still dont think there is a quick fix with Infertility sadness , but as a fertility coach I am determined to help people simply be kinder to themselves during the process .

What did help however was going with the sadness instead of ignoring it . Was listening to my husband say that he loved me and that we would find a way through it .

And then when I was a bit more able to , choosing to enjoy the small details of that Christmas .Aspects that I could deal withalongside acknowleging the hurt .

Its so easy , and understandable , to go to one extreme or the other at Christmas when facing tough situations .

Either to try and stay “up ” for everyone else around you and not admit just how tough it all is .

Or to write off Christmas as a whole and maybe miss some of the nicer moments the season can bring .

So that Christmas , after I had emerged from the toilet , had a good cry and a hug from my other half , I watched Muppet Christmas carol

I saw friends that I hadnt seen for a few months and treated myself to good food and a few gifts just for me …

In short I was Kind to myself and when I needed to cry I did .

Christmas is , for many many people an intense and varied time of the year . It is not all sparkles and happy faces for everyone .

And strangely , Even years after that Christmas my husband will still look at me with a slightly worried look on his face if that song should come on in Starbucks….just in case ..

My hope for you all is that this Christmas , though mixed may have some good moments in it and that 2010 will be your best year yet .

All best wishes

Anya

Christmas to me is such a mixed time of the year and in many ways always has been . There is so much I love about it and yet there is such pressure and striving for perfection . So much to be thankful for , and yet if there is any sadness Christmas seems to only amplify this .

Going through Infertility at Christmas also will be for many , at best a mixed experience , at worst a truly difficult time of year .

I can offer no easy solutions but here are some thoughts as to how to survive this Christmas ..

1) Realise that it is completely normal and understandable that this Christmas may be a challenge .You are not being a scrooge , just a normal person with normal feelings !

2) Remember that you are not alone . Thousands of people in this country will find this season with all its emphasis on family to be pretty tough going . Also remember that other people may also be findng it tough for other reasons . It is not true that every other family is enjoying a “perfect ” Christmas …honestly !

3)Be proactive and plan ahead . So many of the emotions around infertility are to do with a lack of control . Anything you can do , especially at this time of year to regain control is a useful thing .

So look ahead . Are there parties you feel you ought to go to and that may be difficult . Give yourself a break and if neccesary arrange to meet friends one to one .

Maybe do some of the shopping online so you dont get swamped by yet another Santa and thousands of children .

Think of what is coming up and cut yourself some slack !

4) Have a quick answer for all those friends /relatives who may ask questions about when you will be starting that family . you may feel like going into details with auntie Marge over the sherry but if not maybe a quick ” we are working on it ” , or ” I have a great team of people helping me on that one ..!” will suffice

5) Be extra generous to yourself this year . Realise that this is tough and give yourself the rewards you need to keep going . Be that an extra mince pie or a present for yourself .

6) Keep in mind it is only a few weeks of the year and then life goes back to normal in January ..

My hope for you all is that you find ways through this season and that there are moments to enjoy even in the midst of a difficult situation

very best wishes

Anya

Infertility is Tough . It hurts more than you can ever imagine , affects every area of your life and takes you on a journey that quite frankly you dont remember ever opting to start on .

(It is often in fact described as a rollercoaster , but surely there are moments of fun and elation a bit more frequently than on the rollercoaster of fertility treatment …!)

New research has indeed found that a person experiencing infertility faces an emotional stress point reading akin to Cancer or Bereavement .

It is NOT much fun .

My own journey through the maze , the path , the rollercoaster the …whatever other metaphor fits ..lasted over Six years , five rounds of IVF , thousands of pounds and odds of 1 in 125,000 of ever conceiving even with A.R.T . Excellent !

During that time I did everything I could to help myself from Acupuncture to eating Pine tree bark ( my husbands favourite moment I think ! ) .

But mostly I tried to do everything in my power to not let this thing win over my life . To not let Infertility define me .

Some days were easier than others . Some days I wanted to scream repeatedly that it wasnt fair .

Some days I DID scream repeatedly , and it WAS’NT fair !!

During this time I retrained as a life coach and began to notice just how helpful the training was for me personally . It felt like a breath of fresh air and allowed me to feel a little more in control , and a lot more like the old me .

And thats exactly what I am priveledged to do today . To sit with people ( or stand if they need to do  bit of pacing !) and acknowledge the crapness , the unfairness and the normalness of feeling this way . While working on ways to support to resource and  find ways to keep going .

As my tagline states Fertility coaching ultimately comes down to two things . finding ways to

regain control and restore hope .

Best of luck to you all

ANYA