Posts Tagged ‘fertility’

So it is national family week here in the UK and I am experiencing the same mixture of emotions as I do on Mothers day . For while I am , and always will be , incredibly grateful to be the mum of two IVF children , times like this  still make me feel incredibly sad and frustrated .

Sad because the truth is that for 1 in 6 UK couples they are still stuck in the no mans land that is Infertility . They are on the path to parenthood but not actually there yet , nor really able to say when that point will be reached . It is quite frankly one of the toughest places to be in .

And frustrated because perhaps as a society our concept of what makes up family is still unbelievably ridgid and fixed on a specific model . When peole are asked for a Knee jerk reaction on what is a family I would put money on the initial image being the 2.2 kids and a labrador one , rather than what we see in reality .

Please dont get me wrong I am not saying at all that this image is bad at all .

BUT IS THAT IT ?!

Two things recently have given me hope …

The first is slightly less serious being the fantastic comedy programme that is” Modern family “..an often watched programme in our house . What this programme does so well is to look at several modern families that are somewhat unconventional and yet with such warmth and humour to show how diverse ” family ” can be .

There are the two Gay dads who have adopted from overseas , the Older dad who has married a much younger woman and finds himself parenting her child again .And there is the slightly more ” normal” mum dad and three children who are trying to work out and muddle through family life anyway .

Besides being laugh out loud funny the programme always seems to get its point across so compassionately . These people are not perfect in any way , but they are trying their best and genuinly love and care for the smaller and wider families represented .

And when I look around at life in the Fertility clinic , or at my friends or even society in general I am so relieved to have such an image being portrayed .

The second ray of hope came from the sunday service on Radio 4 this last week and was such a huge encouragement to me personally .

It would have been so easy to follow the traditional line in a sermon at the start of national family week , to hold up one type of family and ignore all the otherpeople out there . But instead the preacher talked about the need to look outside and become more inclusive in our concept of family . To not get stuck in thinking you could only be happy with the 2.2 kids model . Indeed a model that Jesus never even followed himself . His family he said were anyone who chose to be with him and spend time with him .

I have heard so many times close friends talk about friendship groups as their family , and seen lived out people whose homes are permanently open to others . An inclusive model lived out in reality .

So rather than family being a shut door , or a them and us concept , maybe it could be so much bigger than that ?

And yet these thoughts are not being aimed at those people still going through Infertility , still on their path . There is still the absolute need for them to find out what sort of family they may arrive at on their journeys end . To define and create a family for themselves .

These thoughts and emotions are simply MY knee jerk reaction to this years national family week …happiness , sadness , frustration and determination .And the hope that support for families may start to include those still on the path to achieving their dreams .

All best wishes

Anya

There are many days in the calender that can cause even the toughest of people to crumble when facing Infertility . Usually the ones marked out with some sort of Clintons cards overload on the high street . But Mothers day for many people will be the hardest .

I remember distinctly one year when we were right in the middle of a whole load of tests and unhelpful comments from specialists sitting in church as they brought flowers round for all the mums .

And I just felt so unbearably sad .

Luckily for me I have a fantastic husband who knew just how badly this would be hurting  me and who chose to treat me like a queen anyway that day .We had a lovely meal together , went to the cinema and generally indulged in the two of us .

The hurt was still there , as it often is with Infertility , but some lovely food and a crappy film certainly went a long way in helping me to feel valued .

And perhaps thats what is important on any day that needs that extra bit of support . To be with those that make us feel that actually we are special and wonderful and living a good life , despite circumstances .

Mother or not ( YET ! ).

To take time also to value ourselves . To say a huge giant enormous well done to us for fighting and battling for something so valuable .

Dont underestimate what a lot Infertility will plonk on your plate , without being asked for !

And yet here you are , doing the best that you can . Probably ticking all the right preconception boxes , let alone the tests , the appointments the highs and lows of Infertility . You are amazing , and one way or another you will get through this . But for now stop and allow yourself a well done .

USE mothers day as a day to be self indulgent .

Use mothers day to recognise what you are facing and acknowledge your achievements thus far , be they small or big .

Use Mothers day as a day to do whatever you want and be with whoever you need to be ..it is a NO OBLIGATIONS day ! No ought to’s , should’s , or people pleasing .

And ultimately remember that Mothers day , like Christmas , like Easter , like every other clintons cards moments is tough for many more people that we know , and for many many reasons .

And just like ALL those other days it is just a day and it soon shall pass .

I hope your day is as good as it can possibly be within the circumstances , and that you buy yourself AT LEAST one huge bunch of flowers .

All best wishes

Anya