The premise is basically that the author having read , researched and investigated the numerous theories related to Happiness decides to commit a year of her life to the pursuit of it in reality with all the stresses and strains of every day life .

I have only read about a third of the book but already am finding such a lot that I completely agree with . Namely that Happiness is a mixture of genetics ( she reckons around 50% ) life circumstances ( around 20% ) and the rest our thoughts and actions .

There is therefore quite a large aspect of happiness which is in some ways controlable despite circumstances .

This surely also picks up on what Victor Frankl called the last of ones great freedoms , the ability to choose how we react to something .

But …HOW  HOW  HOW  can this apply to someone facing fertility issues ?

How can we casually say to someone who has just faced a miscarriage or a failed IVF that hapiness is still possible ?

In some ways we cant . Infertility is one of the hardest life challenges a person will face . It is sad , frustrating , annoying , unfair and even at times boring . I remember being so bored of just feeling low , as though I were carrying around that small black cloud like the pink panther on a permanent basis .

I was and am still so tired by people telling those going through Infertility to think positive to make it all ok , or to worry less , take a holiday etc as though this were the magic wand .

No , for me , Ironically the path to finding at least some happiness during Infertility lies in starting with the acknowledgement that this just is hard and that actually it does hurt .

AND THATS OK .

But , and here it comes , from there to be proactive on every level possible at seeking out happiness , comfort and peace however and whenever we can .

To realise when we are happiest and to be proactive about making sure those aspects are included  in our lives .

So to brainstorm …

who makes you happy ?

What makes you happy ?

What are the things ( non fertility related ) that squash our happiness ?

For me they are a bit of a mad mixture of things ….My faith makes me happy and content , my relationships with my husband and some key friends , but then so does time by myself to do not very much at all , or the knowledge that my wardrobe is tidy ( its not at the moment …). I feel happy when I can get a bit of time and perspective in all the rush of life , or when things make me laugh such as the IT crowd or the Office .

On a small level too I admit it , wandering round the Cath Kidston store or reading a Boden catalogue makes me happy . I know ….

Choosing to include these things in my life . And perhaps most importantly , choosing that my life is worth putting these things into , just helps .

Infertility cant be imagined away ..no life crisis can . But maybe we can , even in the toughest of times seek out ways to push onwards .

All best wishes

Anya

Personally I do believe in setting some sort of upper age limit ( whilst allowing for flexibility ) but I am not sure 70 should be it !

There are so many potential health implications both for mother and child as well as sociological ones regarding children growing up for most of their lives without a parent .

As Fertility treatment becomes more and more advanced we must make sure we are keeping up with the ethical implications and questions that will be inevitably raised . We must be honest in saying that this is an emotive field of science on every level and that opinions will be both varied and passionately felt .

HOWEVER , and here it is , please please please can journalists stop jumping on the one or two extreme cases that are happening worldwide as though they show an overall trend . As though these cases are merely the start of an era of 90 yr old mothers and a waving goodbye to the family as we knew it .

These are the extremes , they are not the average story because the average story is too common and often just too sad to be noticed .

The stories of people desperate for a family and trying every form of treatment until finally on IVF number 7 getting pregnant

The stories of women told late twenties that they are entering an early menopause

The stories of couples trying every and any alternative medicine just to strike lucky with finding the ” right ” one

The stories I see on a daily basis and know first hand .

And within those can I also say that the number of women who have come to me because they have put their fertility on hold for some amazing career are absolutely and totally tiny . In fact hardly ever do I see these mythical women .

 Instead there is the discovery of a physical problem  or the fact that they didn’t find a life partner ( try as they might ! ) until late thirties .In other words stuff that life just threw at them rather than the choices of a spoilt and selfish generation .

But again , not sure those make as ” interesting ” a headline .

Maybe  the truth of Infertility is just too sad , too long-winded and ultimately just too normal to make the front pages .

But just once in a while wouldn’t it be nice for the whole picture to be shown ?

All best wishes

Anya

Sad because the truth is that for 1 in 6 UK couples they are still stuck in the no mans land that is Infertility . They are on the path to parenthood but not actually there yet , nor really able to say when that point will be reached . It is quite frankly one of the toughest places to be in .

And frustrated because perhaps as a society our concept of what makes up family is still unbelievably ridgid and fixed on a specific model . When peole are asked for a Knee jerk reaction on what is a family I would put money on the initial image being the 2.2 kids and a labrador one , rather than what we see in reality .

Please dont get me wrong I am not saying at all that this image is bad at all .

BUT IS THAT IT ?!

Two things recently have given me hope …

The first is slightly less serious being the fantastic comedy programme that is” Modern family “..an often watched programme in our house . What this programme does so well is to look at several modern families that are somewhat unconventional and yet with such warmth and humour to show how diverse ” family ” can be .

There are the two Gay dads who have adopted from overseas , the Older dad who has married a much younger woman and finds himself parenting her child again .And there is the slightly more ” normal” mum dad and three children who are trying to work out and muddle through family life anyway .

Besides being laugh out loud funny the programme always seems to get its point across so compassionately . These people are not perfect in any way , but they are trying their best and genuinly love and care for the smaller and wider families represented .

And when I look around at life in the Fertility clinic , or at my friends or even society in general I am so relieved to have such an image being portrayed .

The second ray of hope came from the sunday service on Radio 4 this last week and was such a huge encouragement to me personally .

It would have been so easy to follow the traditional line in a sermon at the start of national family week , to hold up one type of family and ignore all the otherpeople out there . But instead the preacher talked about the need to look outside and become more inclusive in our concept of family . To not get stuck in thinking you could only be happy with the 2.2 kids model . Indeed a model that Jesus never even followed himself . His family he said were anyone who chose to be with him and spend time with him .

I have heard so many times close friends talk about friendship groups as their family , and seen lived out people whose homes are permanently open to others . An inclusive model lived out in reality .

So rather than family being a shut door , or a them and us concept , maybe it could be so much bigger than that ?

And yet these thoughts are not being aimed at those people still going through Infertility , still on their path . There is still the absolute need for them to find out what sort of family they may arrive at on their journeys end . To define and create a family for themselves .

These thoughts and emotions are simply MY knee jerk reaction to this years national family week …happiness , sadness , frustration and determination .And the hope that support for families may start to include those still on the path to achieving their dreams .

All best wishes

Anya

I have been watching these occasionally but had obviously  an extra special interest in any of the fertility stories and this episode was one such case .

We followed a couple who had , through treatment , conceived triplets and now were spending weeks and months of their new families life in hospital as they boys had been born at 30 weeks and one especially was born with a lot of problems to overcome .

I have only just stopped crying and yelling at the TV .

What an amazing story and what another example of the huge tenacity and perserverance shown by so many people facing fertility issues .

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths people will go to in order to achieve the family they have so longed for . Right from initial desire for a child through to fighting for them post birth these are people who show such courage time and time again .

And yet they are such normal people too . Not superhuman , not robots . Just people who find themselves facing obstacles they never would have dreamed of .

I have seen couples cross the world to do egg donation , single women choosing to go through IVF on their own with little support , couples brought to the edge of what any relationship should ever have to deal with , and people facing loss in every sense possible just push on again and again until their end is reached .

whatever that end may be .

Even on  a small scale looking back at my own journey makes me wonder how on earth we managed to stay in tact ?!

I was describing to a friend just yesterday what it is like to go through IVF , the huge lows and occasional highs . What it was like to see both my children at just 12 cells suspended up on a black and white screen before being transfered into me . And even as I was telling her all this I kept thinking HOW ?!!

How did we get through it ?!!

How did I get through it ?

And the answer is both complicated and yet incredibly simple .

Complicated in that we created strategies to cope , called on everything we could think of to support us and get us though ( an A to Z would definitely be possible with acupuncture to Zinc and everything in between …! ) , prayed got counselling , journalled and threw our lives , heart and soul into pushing onwards .

And yet so simple . The desire for a family has to be one of the strongest and most fundemental pulls a person can face .

Robert Winston compares this drive to the desire to eat or sleep . It is quite simply just a very basic human desire

I wanted a family .

Even if it took me six years , five rounds of IVF and odds of 1 in 125,000 to overcome .

I wanted a family .

That was what kept me going .

And so every time I meet another person in the clinic , or watch a programme like I just have done . I am not left so much with a How . But rather a very simple and very fundemental empathy .

And ultimately the how will always be secondary to the Why .

All best wishes

Anya

A bit of background needed though first in that this is a role I have been in negotiations regarding for quite some time and in many ways is a continuation of the work I have been doing from home .

 Except that I don’t have to empty the dishwasher here and don’t have a cat permanently trying to sit on my keyboard …

The clinic is a fantastic one and I have had many clients come here over the years and report back encouraging things .

I think as a clinic they really are trying to move away from people feeling like they are on a conveyor belt to  being really listened to and supported through treatment

( “ I am not a number “ I hear you cry !! ) .

 Which is where my role fits in as Fertility support coordinator .

I am here to see clients individually , to run a support group and set up new workshops on such issues as stress management and coping when treatment fails .

I am also here for people to just drop in on and let off a bit of steam . And steam there often is during treatment …

Basically it is a role I am chuffed to bits to be doing and one which I hope will make a  difference to patients welfare .

So thats the overview ..here are some of the highlights from these last few weeks ..

• Met a lovely young lady about to sign up as a donor because she had been moved by reading of the need for egg donors out there . What a fantastic thing to be doing , and what an inspirational route to be taking to help others

• Met up with the rest of the staff here and again amazed at the great work they are doing . From the receptionist who always makes an effort even at the busiest of times to the VERY hard working nurses  , these people really are making a difference .

• Managed to brave it into to the staff room ( felt about 12 yrs old !) to meet members of staff ..all very friendly and supportive and managed to regain composure enough to feel 36 again ..

• Written various pieces for the LWC  magazine

• Met several new patients in waiting room and office for quick chats all at various stages of treatment . Peoples stories and paths to parenthood never cease to move and inspire me . And to remind me that we are not alone in our fertility issues .

• Set up plans for a new support group here at the clinic to be started and launched in next few weeks …

• Had large physical battle with the tea machine in waiting area and WON …1-0 to me in the battle to make a decent cuppa …YESSS !

More than anything I have realised again the enormity of what people face when going through infertility . The daily sadness , mingled with hope , determination and resolve . And realised again the sheer number of people facing this issue .

There is such a lot of support out there . from places like the London Women’s clinic , to the Wonderful work of INUK ( www.theinfertilitynetworkuk.com ) , to the great people using Twitter to raise awareness and comprehension .

Though lonely and frustrating there is help and support to be found .

I hope to be a part of that help and look forward to what the next few months and years will bring .

All best wishes

Anya

Fertility support coordinator and champion of the Tea machine at the London Women’s clinic

I remember distinctly one year when we were right in the middle of a whole load of tests and unhelpful comments from specialists sitting in church as they brought flowers round for all the mums .

And I just felt so unbearably sad .

Luckily for me I have a fantastic husband who knew just how badly this would be hurting  me and who chose to treat me like a queen anyway that day .We had a lovely meal together , went to the cinema and generally indulged in the two of us .

The hurt was still there , as it often is with Infertility , but some lovely food and a crappy film certainly went a long way in helping me to feel valued .

And perhaps thats what is important on any day that needs that extra bit of support . To be with those that make us feel that actually we are special and wonderful and living a good life , despite circumstances .

Mother or not ( YET ! ).

To take time also to value ourselves . To say a huge giant enormous well done to us for fighting and battling for something so valuable .

Dont underestimate what a lot Infertility will plonk on your plate , without being asked for !

And yet here you are , doing the best that you can . Probably ticking all the right preconception boxes , let alone the tests , the appointments the highs and lows of Infertility . You are amazing , and one way or another you will get through this . But for now stop and allow yourself a well done .

USE mothers day as a day to be self indulgent .

Use mothers day to recognise what you are facing and acknowledge your achievements thus far , be they small or big .

Use Mothers day as a day to do whatever you want and be with whoever you need to be ..it is a NO OBLIGATIONS day ! No ought to’s , should’s , or people pleasing .

And ultimately remember that Mothers day , like Christmas , like Easter , like every other clintons cards moments is tough for many more people that we know , and for many many reasons .

And just like ALL those other days it is just a day and it soon shall pass .

I hope your day is as good as it can possibly be within the circumstances , and that you buy yourself AT LEAST one huge bunch of flowers .

All best wishes

Anya

I first became aware of them after joining INUK , the Infertility network , as up to that point no clinic that I had been in was showing their literature .

A situation I still feel angry about as theirs is a crucial part of the overall Infertility picture , and yet largely ignored and overshadowed by baby photos .

They are a wonderful group of honest , brave and generous people , looking at issues of identity , relationships and reevaluating their life’s journey .

The work they do is utterly essential because the hard truth is that for some people this will be the end of a stage of the journey .

And yet , as the name suggests , this is far from a group of victims , but rather a group determined to work out how to live fully and honestly without children . To find that there are actually can be more to life ..

As anyone reading this Blog will know , the More to life path is a different one to the end of my own particular journey and therefore I cannot claim to fully understand their unique perspective .

Talking to people and sitting in on their meetings however has helped and  I have found people able to talk about the sadness honestly , whilst equally the things that have helped them move on .

For one man in particular he has used the passion he feels in an amazing way , by going out every weekend and collecting money for MTL outside his local supermarket .

Just think for a moment how utterly brave that decision is . Not just in giving up his time but in making himself vulnerable enough to become a spokesperson for the thousands of men he represents .

Many people have said encouraging things to him as he collects and yet their have been times of complete insensitivity and ridicule too that he has had to face .

Of all the many paths that Infertility will take us down , the involuntary Childlessness route is surely one of the least talked about ,least understood and least acknowledged .

But as we do that we marginalise a group of people even more than ever and put our heads in the sands even further

I would not claim it is an easy path , or one that many would have chosen , but nor is it the end of the road that many might fear . Rather , through the support of people such as More to life , it can be a new beginning .

For more information do please visit

www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/moretolife/

Best wishes

Anya

Just before the birh of our son we received a phone call asking if my husband and I would consider being filmed for a series called ” Extreme pregnancies ” about people who had had to fight to achieve the families of their dreams . To say we fitted the bill would be an understatement !

Our story managed somehow to cover male infertility , poor ovarian reserve ,early menopause , miscarriage , immune issues ,and odds of 1 in 125,000 of ever conceiving .I almost felt like we were making it up ourselves !

And so we agreed to be part of the programme and at 8 months pregnant they started the interviews and followed the story right through to the birth of our son .

It is an amazing record of that time in our lives , of all the hurt, sadness ,anger, and dissapointment , finally culminating in a happy ending .

Watching it through again I am struck by how much we went through as a couple . As individuals  , and how well we coped .

And by ” coped ” I dont mean sailed through , but rather simply kept going , one foot in front of the other . Shouting crying and screaming along the way , one step at a time . I am immensely proud of that strength . I am immensely proud of us as a couple . And every single day I am immensely grateful for our family .

And yet . what I have just described is actually not so extraordinary , nor really so ” extreme ” . It is only what thousands of people face on a daily basis when going through Infertility .The highs and lows , sadness and crapyness that is Infertility .

I am proud then not just of myself , but sincerely for every single client , support group member and person I dont know who faces fertility issues . We are stronger than we know .

I hope you can keep going , one step at a time and give yourselves the credit you deserve .

Best wishes

Anya

I dont know about you but it does seem to be that every celebration day in the year has become a much larger , much glossier version of how I remeber it being when younger .

I was told recently for example that Valentines day now sells nearly as many cards as the whole of the Christmas season put together .Thats a lot of awful cards with wistful looking teddy bears on the front and a lot of £1.00 roses being bought .

We can find ourselves on all of these days feeling completely the odd ones out , the ones left out of all the fun being had by EVERYONE else . And yet here in lies the danger , as such assumptions are rarely right .

You are not alone in finding this day tough , or even just ok . days like today are often a mixture of emotions for more people than we realise .To admit this would certainly mean a few less cards bought , but maybe a whole load more sighs of relief heard .

Instead take the time out on “celebration ” days to be kind to yourselves . And on valentines day to be kind to your partner if in a relationship .

Infertility stress often taints many areas of our lives and thus its fine to just muddle through , rather than put on the happy face . To be happy if you are feeling happy , and certainly on a day like today to hold onto your partner extra hard .

To remember the couple that you still are outside of all this baby making wierdness .

But to borrow a phrase from the Psychologist Winnicott , its ok for today to be a ” good enough ” day , rather than a ” perfect one “.

And maybe when we can allow ourselves the space and honesty to be just as we are this Valentines day , we may actually find ourselves having a much better time of it than we had hoped …and that has to be a good attitude to all the other days of the year too .

Best wishes

Anya

Not completely unusual for someone with my interests and in my line of work , but even for me  , sitting in Starbucks and looking at image after image of all things ( and I mean ALL things ! ) fertility related is taking it  a little too far I think …I am amazed I didnt get kicked out actually …

Anyway the reason for this new found hobby of mine is that we are in the final stages of putting together the book we have been working on over the last year or so entitled ” FERTILE THINKING ” .

It is an exciting process and one which is hurtling towards completion , hence the huge push to get the front cover right . And hear in lies my dilemma . And indeed not just mine but one many people involved in the world of A.R.T have had to deal with :

” ARE IMAGES OF BABIES HELPFUL OR UNHELPFUL ?”

For example many many clinics I know and respect choose actively to cover their walls with the success stories . Their literature has babies , their merchandise have babies , it is a very pro baby stance indeed !

And certainly there are many positives to doing this . I remeber many times during treatment when reading a success story , or looking at the baby walls would be such an encouragment .

IT CAN WORK !!

This could be me next !

More exclamation marks !

I remember especially a programme on the Discovery channel following IVF stories which became my absolute must see TV ( though my husband never could quite understand why a hard day at the clinic should be followed by watching someone eles hard day at the clinic …! )

Babies and all things related was at times a real source of hope .

HOWEVER …You knew it was coming .. equally there were days when I just couldnt bear to see anything to do with babies or pregnancy . I would walk out of rooms , cross streets and avoid looking at anyone even remotely knocked up .

One particular day I remember walking into a room of 5 friends , two of whom I didnt realise would be there , and came attatched to newborns . Needless to say I stayed for a very short amount of time and then pro actively went and sat in the car and screamed …it helped .

It was always such a double edged sword .

And yet that is the experience of anyone going through Infertility in general .

Bloomin double edged  ,Bloomin sword .

Not an easy one at all .

Remaining hopeful positive and realistic whilst remaining cautious , scared and realistic..

To look at the baby or not .

Possibly both then .

And so I am left with the decision re the cover , and the indecision re how to best get the book out there and hopefuly being of use to as many people as possible .

Watch this space .

Now ..back to those images of Petri dishes …

Best wishes

Anya