Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Christamas , Channuka , Mothers day ,Valentines day , celebrate national squirrel day ( ok made that one up …) Specifically designated days and celebrations can be hard when we are not in the place we would want to be in life .

I dont know about you but it does seem to be that every celebration day in the year has become a much larger , much glossier version of how I remeber it being when younger .

I was told recently for example that Valentines day now sells nearly as many cards as the whole of the Christmas season put together .Thats a lot of awful cards with wistful looking teddy bears on the front and a lot of £1.00 roses being bought .

We can find ourselves on all of these days feeling completely the odd ones out , the ones left out of all the fun being had by EVERYONE else . And yet here in lies the danger , as such assumptions are rarely right .

You are not alone in finding this day tough , or even just ok . days like today are often a mixture of emotions for more people than we realise .To admit this would certainly mean a few less cards bought , but maybe a whole load more sighs of relief heard .

Instead take the time out on “celebration ” days to be kind to yourselves . And on valentines day to be kind to your partner if in a relationship .

Infertility stress often taints many areas of our lives and thus its fine to just muddle through , rather than put on the happy face . To be happy if you are feeling happy , and certainly on a day like today to hold onto your partner extra hard .

To remember the couple that you still are outside of all this baby making wierdness .

But to borrow a phrase from the Psychologist Winnicott , its ok for today to be a ” good enough ” day , rather than a ” perfect one “.

And maybe when we can allow ourselves the space and honesty to be just as we are this Valentines day , we may actually find ourselves having a much better time of it than we had hoped …and that has to be a good attitude to all the other days of the year too .

Best wishes

Anya

I am currently spending a disproportionate amount of my waking life looking at images of Petri dishes from google images .

Not completely unusual for someone with my interests and in my line of work , but even for me  , sitting in Starbucks and looking at image after image of all things ( and I mean ALL things ! ) fertility related is taking it  a little too far I think …I am amazed I didnt get kicked out actually …

Anyway the reason for this new found hobby of mine is that we are in the final stages of putting together the book we have been working on over the last year or so entitled ” FERTILE THINKING ” .

It is an exciting process and one which is hurtling towards completion , hence the huge push to get the front cover right . And hear in lies my dilemma . And indeed not just mine but one many people involved in the world of A.R.T have had to deal with :

” ARE IMAGES OF BABIES HELPFUL OR UNHELPFUL ?”

For example many many clinics I know and respect choose actively to cover their walls with the success stories . Their literature has babies , their merchandise have babies , it is a very pro baby stance indeed !

And certainly there are many positives to doing this . I remeber many times during treatment when reading a success story , or looking at the baby walls would be such an encouragment .

IT CAN WORK !!

This could be me next !

More exclamation marks !

I remember especially a programme on the Discovery channel following IVF stories which became my absolute must see TV ( though my husband never could quite understand why a hard day at the clinic should be followed by watching someone eles hard day at the clinic …! )

Babies and all things related was at times a real source of hope .

HOWEVER …You knew it was coming .. equally there were days when I just couldnt bear to see anything to do with babies or pregnancy . I would walk out of rooms , cross streets and avoid looking at anyone even remotely knocked up .

One particular day I remember walking into a room of 5 friends , two of whom I didnt realise would be there , and came attatched to newborns . Needless to say I stayed for a very short amount of time and then pro actively went and sat in the car and screamed …it helped .

It was always such a double edged sword .

And yet that is the experience of anyone going through Infertility in general .

Bloomin double edged  ,Bloomin sword .

Not an easy one at all .

Remaining hopeful positive and realistic whilst remaining cautious , scared and realistic..

To look at the baby or not .

Possibly both then .

And so I am left with the decision re the cover , and the indecision re how to best get the book out there and hopefuly being of use to as many people as possible .

Watch this space .

Now ..back to those images of Petri dishes …

Best wishes

Anya

I ran the central London fertility support group last night and was left again realising the huge strength that there is in numbers .

We had around 16 people come , some new faces some old ( not literally ..they were actually a very attractive bunch ! ) all at various stages of the Infertility journey .

We shared frustrations , tears , anger , confusion and wonderfully there was actually quite  a bit of laughter . And I think most people left feeling so much stronger and better equipped for the next stage .

During my own battle with Infertility I found strength and support in a variety of places . Some obvious ones like the wonderful INUK ( www.infertilitynetworkuk.com ) and ACEBABES . Some more serendipitous ones like the email friend I made at the national infertility day .

But I made sure I was supported .

Most recently I have made a very dear friend who has been through such a lot herself and works as a counsellor for fertility issues , Julia Bueno (www.juliabueno.co.uk ) who I only wish I had known  a few years back .

There were certainly times when people said the most amazingly crass and insensitive things ( ” Can you please just cheer up now , so we can all be happy again ..”) But actually there were some hugely moving moments of care too .

For example the friend who just turned up one day with chocolates and magazines , or the many many prayers that people said when we had run out of faith ourselves . These moments of support were like Gold to us and still mean an incredible amount .

It was that same feeling last night at the group that was jut so tangible . People with more than enough on their plates actually bothering to not only listen but to swap ideas , and tips and genuine hope for positive outcomes .

The strange thing with Infertility , as with many many life challenges is that it brings to the surface not just the difficult stuff , but also the moments of genuine goodness . When we notice that we are not alone and that people can REALLY care for us and our situation .

Thankyou again to the central London Support group for helping me realise this anew .

Best Wishes

Anya

When my daughter was only a few weeks old we began to attend an NCT class full of mums and babies all coming to terms with being a new mum .

For me however the transition was an even harder one coming after IVF and being told countless times that this would never happen for us . I felt in many ways that I was a ” pretend ” mum . And still found myself hanging onto the label of Infertility patient .

It was during one of those meetings that a new mum walked in and I recognised something in her facial reaction , something in her emotions that was later confirmed. She too was an IVF mum .

But for her in some ways it was even harder for she was in her late fourties when she had had her son through egg  donation . She had already started to get the comments about her “grandson” , and then the shock from some people on finding out he was actually hers .

The thing that struck me about Billy , and indeed hits me time and time again with children following treatment is just how unbelievably  self assured they are right from the start . Its as if ( nature / nurture who knows ..!) They just realise that they are MEANT .

Watching the BBC programme last night about older mothers and reading the newspapers  I again realise how emotive a topic this is . But then arent most things in the world of a.r.t ?! How strongly people with no experience of such an issue seem to feel .

But surely this is a huge grey area rather than a black and white ?

Certainly at the moment even the HFEA seems quite vague about how to decide what is and isnt too old . NHS IVF only goes up to late thirties , and the only other concern is that all clinics place the welfare of the child firmly into the equation when deciding whether to allow an individual to go ahead with treatment . Again leaving an awful lot of room for grey areas …

So how do we decide ? By what criteria ? I look around at dear friends of mine who as of yet at the ” ripe old age ” of mid /late thirties have yet to meet mr Right , or are in a second significant relationship ..or for many other valid reasons have yet to start trying for a family .

If they hit problems in only a few years time at 39 their elligability for NHS treatment will be gone and they will be forced into the private sector . This is far more complicated than just a generation of so called ” career women “, this is life in 2010 .

Thus to me I would say that at the very least the NHS  Criteria should be increased to mid fourties , at the least .

But then how to determine what the cut off age should be ? Several people in the papers today are calling for parliament too intervene and set guidelines . The majority of whom I bet you have not been through the heartache of Infertility .

I remain undecided as to what I would do , other than having it increased at least to mid fourties . But Perhaps then that is the answer . That there is no easy solution , just a lot of individuals and individual cases out there , who find themselves still desperate for a child past the age that even they would have desired .

When I read the antagonistic comments and judgements poured out regarding this topic the one image I am left with is my friends child , Billy . Full to the brim with life and enthusiasm , loved to bits and ready to take on the world . Surely the welfare of the child for him has been met .And met with flying colours .

BEST WISHES

Anya

There are days in my work that make me feel like I truly have the best job in the world , Friday was one of them .

Myself and Nic , another member of INUK ( The infertility network ) attended a BBC filming for a new programme on scientific breakthroughs , including IVF .

And it was here that we met and chatted to the amazing Robert Winston . To say I was proud would be an understatement , and what a lovely man he is !

But even more than that wonderful moment was walking through the doors of a cold church in Hampstead suburbs to see the sight of around 20 IVF children surrounded by balloons , cake and bubbles . A true celebration of  what peoples endurance and heartache can achieve .

I met a woman with four daughters , a 20 year old who was the first child born through pre genetic testing , and a woman with her 8th IVF child ! I also went to the party with two of my close friends who have children that my daughter has grown up with , born also from the wonders of IVF .

As with so much of life there are moments of great sadness , difficulty and trials , alongside moments of joy and happiness .Friday was part of the latter .

A day to celebrate a wonderful scientific achievement certainly . But more than that to celebrate and recognise the tenacious and amazing people that have lived with Infertility . Whatever stage of the journey we may find ourselves on . To say a well done to the one in six of us who struggle to create a family .

Best wishes

Anya

So I am back to work again after a really lovely break and have been thinking a lot about new years resolutions . About them , rather than making them as by this point in the year apparently most people have already broken the ones they made only 12 days ago !

An article I read said that by late January around 75% of people will have broken /given up on the good intentions they had set out so earnestly to do , But interestingly there was hope …(phew !) . Of the 25% who do manage to keep them there are some common themes :

1) They focus on the positive aspects of the goal rather than the negative . I.E  I want to get fit in order to run a 5k this year and to fit into my favourite jeans again . Rather than I dont want to be fat anymore ….!

2) They break the goal down into smaller chunks . Rather than seing it as I need to run the 5k by next week they think , what running clothes will I need , this week I will subscribe to a running magazine and run to the end of the road and back …

3) They reward themselves as they make any progress . I like this one a lot . There should be more rewards in life in general !

4) They share their plans with friends and family . There is nothing like announcing to the world that you are doing a 5k race to make you stick to a training plan !!

5) If they fall down they get back up again ( not literally I hope ..) Dont be too hard if you havent been “perfect ” with your plans for 2010 , but dont chuck it all in again either , keep on going !

With all these in mind I have announced to the world that this year ,  2010 , will be the year of Anya Sizer investing in herself .

I know it may sound obvious , I know its something I say to people a lot , but with all the business , excitement and general crazyness that can be my life I need to make sure that I am looking after myself more than ever , not less .

So to this end I am drawing up a list of what that means ( work in progress ..!) but it will include ..

1) Keeping Friday nights to myself and RELAXING  not using it as an excuse to work !

2) Eating well and taking supplements , Currently trying Acai berries ..seem good !

3)  Invest in my marriage . We have started doing the ” marriage course ” at a local church . 7 weeks where you get a meal cooked for you , and talk through given topics . We went to our first one this week and it was MAGIC .

4) Listen to my music more . What can I say  MIKA , SCISSOR SISTERS , BILLY BRAGG and MOST MUSICALS make me a happier person

5) I want to pray more and take time out for reflection more often . To smell the roses ..even when hidden under snow currently !

6) To read whenever humanly possible . Its a big part of who I am , and I want to read more fiction not just coaching books much as I love them …Currently reading ” A fraction of the whole ” and loving it .

7) Wear more yellow , buy fresh flowers , read country living magazine and not apologise for loving Cath Kidston , Boden and all the other little things in life that make it colourful . Enough said !

So my new years resolution is not in fact then to have a “new me “. I quite like the old one thank you . But its time to re invest in her …!

best wishes to you all

Anya

Have yourself a merry little Christmas,
Let your heart be light
From now on,
our troubles will be out of sight

Why oh Why do Christmas songs seem to have the ability to reduce grown women to tears ..or is this just me ?!

A few years ago I was sitting in Starbucks happily minding my own business when this song came on in the background and completely floored me .

Not just a few tears floored me but full on drop my mince pie and have to run to the toilets variety .

It had been a tough few months , I had miscarried after IVF treatment and though the loss was “very early on ” as people kepttelling me , it was still loss .

It was still MY loss .

And for all my best efforts at staying chirpy during the Christmas holidays there was always a sadness just waiting under the surface .

As one client put it so well recently a little black cloud following her around .

Well my black cloud chose Starbucks to start pouring .

I wish I could now tell you of a magic formula that I did that day to make it all feel much better . But in truth there wasnt one .

Actually I still dont think there is a quick fix with Infertility sadness , but as a fertility coach I am determined to help people simply be kinder to themselves during the process .

What did help however was going with the sadness instead of ignoring it . Was listening to my husband say that he loved me and that we would find a way through it .

And then when I was a bit more able to , choosing to enjoy the small details of that Christmas .Aspects that I could deal withalongside acknowleging the hurt .

Its so easy , and understandable , to go to one extreme or the other at Christmas when facing tough situations .

Either to try and stay “up ” for everyone else around you and not admit just how tough it all is .

Or to write off Christmas as a whole and maybe miss some of the nicer moments the season can bring .

So that Christmas , after I had emerged from the toilet , had a good cry and a hug from my other half , I watched Muppet Christmas carol

I saw friends that I hadnt seen for a few months and treated myself to good food and a few gifts just for me …

In short I was Kind to myself and when I needed to cry I did .

Christmas is , for many many people an intense and varied time of the year . It is not all sparkles and happy faces for everyone .

And strangely , Even years after that Christmas my husband will still look at me with a slightly worried look on his face if that song should come on in Starbucks….just in case ..

My hope for you all is that this Christmas , though mixed may have some good moments in it and that 2010 will be your best year yet .

All best wishes

Anya

Christmas to me is such a mixed time of the year and in many ways always has been . There is so much I love about it and yet there is such pressure and striving for perfection . So much to be thankful for , and yet if there is any sadness Christmas seems to only amplify this .

Going through Infertility at Christmas also will be for many , at best a mixed experience , at worst a truly difficult time of year .

I can offer no easy solutions but here are some thoughts as to how to survive this Christmas ..

1) Realise that it is completely normal and understandable that this Christmas may be a challenge .You are not being a scrooge , just a normal person with normal feelings !

2) Remember that you are not alone . Thousands of people in this country will find this season with all its emphasis on family to be pretty tough going . Also remember that other people may also be findng it tough for other reasons . It is not true that every other family is enjoying a “perfect ” Christmas …honestly !

3)Be proactive and plan ahead . So many of the emotions around infertility are to do with a lack of control . Anything you can do , especially at this time of year to regain control is a useful thing .

So look ahead . Are there parties you feel you ought to go to and that may be difficult . Give yourself a break and if neccesary arrange to meet friends one to one .

Maybe do some of the shopping online so you dont get swamped by yet another Santa and thousands of children .

Think of what is coming up and cut yourself some slack !

4) Have a quick answer for all those friends /relatives who may ask questions about when you will be starting that family . you may feel like going into details with auntie Marge over the sherry but if not maybe a quick ” we are working on it ” , or ” I have a great team of people helping me on that one ..!” will suffice

5) Be extra generous to yourself this year . Realise that this is tough and give yourself the rewards you need to keep going . Be that an extra mince pie or a present for yourself .

6) Keep in mind it is only a few weeks of the year and then life goes back to normal in January ..

My hope for you all is that you find ways through this season and that there are moments to enjoy even in the midst of a difficult situation

very best wishes

Anya

Infertility is Tough . It hurts more than you can ever imagine , affects every area of your life and takes you on a journey that quite frankly you dont remember ever opting to start on .

(It is often in fact described as a rollercoaster , but surely there are moments of fun and elation a bit more frequently than on the rollercoaster of fertility treatment …!)

New research has indeed found that a person experiencing infertility faces an emotional stress point reading akin to Cancer or Bereavement .

It is NOT much fun .

My own journey through the maze , the path , the rollercoaster the …whatever other metaphor fits ..lasted over Six years , five rounds of IVF , thousands of pounds and odds of 1 in 125,000 of ever conceiving even with A.R.T . Excellent !

During that time I did everything I could to help myself from Acupuncture to eating Pine tree bark ( my husbands favourite moment I think ! ) .

But mostly I tried to do everything in my power to not let this thing win over my life . To not let Infertility define me .

Some days were easier than others . Some days I wanted to scream repeatedly that it wasnt fair .

Some days I DID scream repeatedly , and it WAS’NT fair !!

During this time I retrained as a life coach and began to notice just how helpful the training was for me personally . It felt like a breath of fresh air and allowed me to feel a little more in control , and a lot more like the old me .

And thats exactly what I am priveledged to do today . To sit with people ( or stand if they need to do  bit of pacing !) and acknowledge the crapness , the unfairness and the normalness of feeling this way . While working on ways to support to resource and  find ways to keep going .

As my tagline states Fertility coaching ultimately comes down to two things . finding ways to

regain control and restore hope .

Best of luck to you all

ANYA

My first article will be coming soon…