Archive for the ‘Uncategorized’ Category

Well to say it has been a while is an understatement HUGE apologies . To be honest Life sort of took over and I found myself out of the habit of updating my lovely website . Work , family life and Marathon training took over and …well its been a while !

In fact it has been a strange few months and I am only just starting to come through one of life’s many many Curveballs , namely me getting Pneumonia followed by Gastroenteritis and then finding myself in hospital on a drip .

Truly Truly terrifying as everything I knew came crashing around my ears . At its worst I couldnt sit up or eat or barely talk and I really wasnt sure I would ever feel the same again .

It has taken the best part of five months to come through this and needless to say the Marathon well and truly got shelved ( for this year at least ! ) .

However as with other tough times in life though incredibly hard it was also a very Rich time in life . A time when I literally had to let go and just trust that it wasnt acually me holding the world together in the first place .

One of my lovely workmates used to have a nickname for me .Wonderwoman .

Well Wonderwoman I most definitely wasnt . And even more interestingly enough , Wonderwoman I didnt and dont Want to be

So I learnt to ask for help , I learnt ( big time ) to slow down and notice the small stuff . And I saw once again the things that mattered .

Funnily enough too during the worst part when I was continuously Sick for 4 days as I lay there with my head over a bucket           ( nice image , sorry !) the one thing that kept me going was thinking to myself “hang on I am the same me that got me through IVF , and if I can survive that I can survive anything !”

And its true . IVF , Infertility and the relentless hunt for my family I think may well be the hardest life events yet thrown at me . Surviving that gave me the strength to get through these last VERY tricky few months .

In the wise words of the great Beyonce I truly am a survivor …and so are you all .

Best wishes

Anya

Last night I attended a meeting organised by the Progressive Educational trust regarding egg donation and payment .This is a huge topic and last night was certainly a good part of the jigsaw puzzle .

I have written some notes below but overall what I was left with was how important a debate this is and must be for all involved . I dont think there are easy answers but I certainly think Egg sharing , if handled well is possibly the best option we have .

We need more information and education given to would be Donors and recepients and certainly more emotional support not just short term but long term .

Again to my mind organisations like the D.C network here play such a crucial role in supporting and resourcing people and should be praised for all they are doing in this area .

Let me know your thoughts .This is a topic here to stay ..

All best wishes

Anya

Notes from P.E.T evening 20th Oct 2010

“Paying Egg donors , a child at any price ?”

Sue Avery ( Director of Birmingham ACU )

A move from compensation means a move from “ donation “ to “ transaction “

Is this necessarily bad ?

Does this begin a slippery slope of commodifying cells …embryos ..children and thus people ?

Whose choice is most important , the Donors or the recipients ?

Brian Lieberman ( Consultant at Manchester )

Has done a u turn in his thinking re egg sharing mainly due to the fear re lack of care when outsourcing the need for gametes abroad .

Importance of people knowing the risks involved on every level and thus the importance of good counseling especially re OHSS , reduction in chances of conceiving , and the concept of half siblings .

Should we allow a fee to be put on a waiting list

Ultimate danger is the recipients will be exploited and the Donors put at risk

Brenda Almond ( professor of Moral and social philosophy at Hull )

Is it ever right to sell human genetic material ?

Fear of financially vunerable people being exploited

What is the long term impact on a donor conceived child ?

Laura Witjens (  Chair of national Gamete trust )

A difficult debate with no right or wrong answers

Removal of anonymity seems to have not impacted numbers as feared

Suggestion of monetary “ appreciation and gesture “ rather than payment

Altruism should still be main drive and encouraged

Approx. £700 suggested as a fee to low to act as key incentive but big enough to acknowledge what has happened and the impact on this person .

Comments from the audience during Q and A

Importance of the children in all this . Not represented enough in the debate

Over the years the incentive for egg sharing amounts has greatly increased from a few hundred to a few thousand now .

Could some Donors actually be put off my finances being brought in at all ?

Desire to create a fixed fee not variable rates for Gametes

Importance of DC children being given a coherent story regarding their background . Coherent implying not just a payment issue but an emotional one primarily .

There is no evidence to show that long term , women who had’nt conceived after donating would experience unhelpful Psychological  effects . On the contrary they seem to feel that at least something positive had come out of that time

What would a child feel like if they knew they had been paid for ? All DC children interviewed by one person said they would rather finances not come into it .

newcastle research paper said that all women interviewed on Egg sharing scheme had thought of it as a mutually beneficial exchange

If Egg sharing taken away how would we replace the 40% that this makes up currently ?

We live in a suboptimal world and thus this is the best not the perfect option .

We are moving forward and hopefully thus attitudes changing

“ best possible option not the ideal “

What right does society have to tell a woman she CANT sell her eggs ?

need for better recruitment

Summary

Sue Avery

Danger of any lump sum . At the end of the process the Donor should be no worse off financially but better off emotionally

Brenda Almond

Long term it is the interests of DC children that is key

Brian Lieberman

Egg donors will get strength from going through the process even if it doesn’t work .Need to keep Altruism as key

Laura Witjens

need more funding for recruitment of Altruistic Donors

Raanan Gillon

Need for positive persuasion not cohersion

Two links in todays news re last night :

http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/health-11574782

http://www.guardian.co.uk/society/2010/oct/20/egg-donation-fertility-treatment-pay

I am currently reading a wonderful book called the Happiness project by Gretchen Rubin , and loving it , truly loving it .

 The premise is basically that the author having read , researched and investigated the numerous theories related to Happiness decides to commit a year of her life to the pursuit of it in reality with all the stresses and strains of every day life .

I have only read about a third of the book but already am finding such a lot that I completely agree with . Namely that Happiness is a mixture of genetics ( she reckons around 50% ) life circumstances ( around 20% ) and the rest our thoughts and actions .

There is therefore quite a large aspect of happiness which is in some ways controlable despite circumstances .

This surely also picks up on what Victor Frankl called the last of ones great freedoms , the ability to choose how we react to something .

But …HOW  HOW  HOW  can this apply to someone facing fertility issues ?

How can we casually say to someone who has just faced a miscarriage or a failed IVF that hapiness is still possible ?

In some ways we cant . Infertility is one of the hardest life challenges a person will face . It is sad , frustrating , annoying , unfair and even at times boring . I remember being so bored of just feeling low , as though I were carrying around that small black cloud like the pink panther on a permanent basis .

I was and am still so tired by people telling those going through Infertility to think positive to make it all ok , or to worry less , take a holiday etc as though this were the magic wand .

No , for me , Ironically the path to finding at least some happiness during Infertility lies in starting with the acknowledgement that this just is hard and that actually it does hurt .

AND THATS OK .

But , and here it comes , from there to be proactive on every level possible at seeking out happiness , comfort and peace however and whenever we can .

To realise when we are happiest and to be proactive about making sure those aspects are included  in our lives .

So to brainstorm …

who makes you happy ?

What makes you happy ?

What are the things ( non fertility related ) that squash our happiness ?

For me they are a bit of a mad mixture of things ….My faith makes me happy and content , my relationships with my husband and some key friends , but then so does time by myself to do not very much at all , or the knowledge that my wardrobe is tidy ( its not at the moment …). I feel happy when I can get a bit of time and perspective in all the rush of life , or when things make me laugh such as the IT crowd or the Office .

On a small level too I admit it , wandering round the Cath Kidston store or reading a Boden catalogue makes me happy . I know ….

Choosing to include these things in my life . And perhaps most importantly , choosing that my life is worth putting these things into , just helps .

Infertility cant be imagined away ..no life crisis can . But maybe we can , even in the toughest of times seek out ways to push onwards .

All best wishes

Anya

Another day another IVF sensational news story …this time a mother of 70 whose young child sits beside her while she is dying , and a woman of 66 who has just had triplets .

Personally I do believe in setting some sort of upper age limit ( whilst allowing for flexibility ) but I am not sure 70 should be it !

There are so many potential health implications both for mother and child as well as sociological ones regarding children growing up for most of their lives without a parent .

As Fertility treatment becomes more and more advanced we must make sure we are keeping up with the ethical implications and questions that will be inevitably raised . We must be honest in saying that this is an emotive field of science on every level and that opinions will be both varied and passionately felt .

HOWEVER , and here it is , please please please can journalists stop jumping on the one or two extreme cases that are happening worldwide as though they show an overall trend . As though these cases are merely the start of an era of 90 yr old mothers and a waving goodbye to the family as we knew it .

These are the extremes , they are not the average story because the average story is too common and often just too sad to be noticed .

The stories of people desperate for a family and trying every form of treatment until finally on IVF number 7 getting pregnant

The stories of women told late twenties that they are entering an early menopause

The stories of couples trying every and any alternative medicine just to strike lucky with finding the ” right ” one

The stories I see on a daily basis and know first hand .

And within those can I also say that the number of women who have come to me because they have put their fertility on hold for some amazing career are absolutely and totally tiny . In fact hardly ever do I see these mythical women .

 Instead there is the discovery of a physical problem  or the fact that they didn’t find a life partner ( try as they might ! ) until late thirties .In other words stuff that life just threw at them rather than the choices of a spoilt and selfish generation .

But again , not sure those make as ” interesting ” a headline .

Maybe  the truth of Infertility is just too sad , too long-winded and ultimately just too normal to make the front pages .

But just once in a while wouldn’t it be nice for the whole picture to be shown ?

 

All best wishes

Anya

So it is national family week here in the UK and I am experiencing the same mixture of emotions as I do on Mothers day . For while I am , and always will be , incredibly grateful to be the mum of two IVF children , times like this  still make me feel incredibly sad and frustrated .

Sad because the truth is that for 1 in 6 UK couples they are still stuck in the no mans land that is Infertility . They are on the path to parenthood but not actually there yet , nor really able to say when that point will be reached . It is quite frankly one of the toughest places to be in .

And frustrated because perhaps as a society our concept of what makes up family is still unbelievably ridgid and fixed on a specific model . When peole are asked for a Knee jerk reaction on what is a family I would put money on the initial image being the 2.2 kids and a labrador one , rather than what we see in reality .

Please dont get me wrong I am not saying at all that this image is bad at all .

BUT IS THAT IT ?!

Two things recently have given me hope …

The first is slightly less serious being the fantastic comedy programme that is” Modern family “..an often watched programme in our house . What this programme does so well is to look at several modern families that are somewhat unconventional and yet with such warmth and humour to show how diverse ” family ” can be .

There are the two Gay dads who have adopted from overseas , the Older dad who has married a much younger woman and finds himself parenting her child again .And there is the slightly more ” normal” mum dad and three children who are trying to work out and muddle through family life anyway .

Besides being laugh out loud funny the programme always seems to get its point across so compassionately . These people are not perfect in any way , but they are trying their best and genuinly love and care for the smaller and wider families represented .

And when I look around at life in the Fertility clinic , or at my friends or even society in general I am so relieved to have such an image being portrayed .

The second ray of hope came from the sunday service on Radio 4 this last week and was such a huge encouragement to me personally .

It would have been so easy to follow the traditional line in a sermon at the start of national family week , to hold up one type of family and ignore all the otherpeople out there . But instead the preacher talked about the need to look outside and become more inclusive in our concept of family . To not get stuck in thinking you could only be happy with the 2.2 kids model . Indeed a model that Jesus never even followed himself . His family he said were anyone who chose to be with him and spend time with him .

I have heard so many times close friends talk about friendship groups as their family , and seen lived out people whose homes are permanently open to others . An inclusive model lived out in reality .

So rather than family being a shut door , or a them and us concept , maybe it could be so much bigger than that ?

And yet these thoughts are not being aimed at those people still going through Infertility , still on their path . There is still the absolute need for them to find out what sort of family they may arrive at on their journeys end . To define and create a family for themselves .

These thoughts and emotions are simply MY knee jerk reaction to this years national family week …happiness , sadness , frustration and determination .And the hope that support for families may start to include those still on the path to achieving their dreams .

All best wishes

Anya

I have just finished watching a programme called ” one born every minute ” a documentary following a birth unit in a hospital and showing , in quite an objective and factual way , real stories of pregnancy and birth .

I have been watching these occasionally but had obviously  an extra special interest in any of the fertility stories and this episode was one such case .

We followed a couple who had , through treatment , conceived triplets and now were spending weeks and months of their new families life in hospital as they boys had been born at 30 weeks and one especially was born with a lot of problems to overcome .

I have only just stopped crying and yelling at the TV .

What an amazing story and what another example of the huge tenacity and perserverance shown by so many people facing fertility issues .

It never ceases to amaze me the lengths people will go to in order to achieve the family they have so longed for . Right from initial desire for a child through to fighting for them post birth these are people who show such courage time and time again .

And yet they are such normal people too . Not superhuman , not robots . Just people who find themselves facing obstacles they never would have dreamed of .

I have seen couples cross the world to do egg donation , single women choosing to go through IVF on their own with little support , couples brought to the edge of what any relationship should ever have to deal with , and people facing loss in every sense possible just push on again and again until their end is reached .

whatever that end may be .

Even on  a small scale looking back at my own journey makes me wonder how on earth we managed to stay in tact ?!

I was describing to a friend just yesterday what it is like to go through IVF , the huge lows and occasional highs . What it was like to see both my children at just 12 cells suspended up on a black and white screen before being transfered into me . And even as I was telling her all this I kept thinking HOW ?!!

How did we get through it ?!!

How did I get through it ?

And the answer is both complicated and yet incredibly simple .

Complicated in that we created strategies to cope , called on everything we could think of to support us and get us though ( an A to Z would definitely be possible with acupuncture to Zinc and everything in between …! ) , prayed got counselling , journalled and threw our lives , heart and soul into pushing onwards .

And yet so simple . The desire for a family has to be one of the strongest and most fundemental pulls a person can face .

Robert Winston compares this drive to the desire to eat or sleep . It is quite simply just a very basic human desire

I wanted a family .

Even if it took me six years , five rounds of IVF and odds of 1 in 125,000 to overcome .

I wanted a family .

That was what kept me going .

And so every time I meet another person in the clinic , or watch a programme like I just have done . I am not left so much with a How . But rather a very simple and very fundemental empathy .

And ultimately the how will always be secondary to the Why .

All best wishes

Anya

SO… here I am day 5 of my brand new role as Fertility support coordinator for the London Women’s clinic and its been an amazing few days on so many levels .

A bit of background needed though first in that this is a role I have been in negotiations regarding for quite some time and in many ways is a continuation of the work I have been doing from home .

 Except that I don’t have to empty the dishwasher here and don’t have a cat permanently trying to sit on my keyboard …

The clinic is a fantastic one and I have had many clients come here over the years and report back encouraging things .

I think as a clinic they really are trying to move away from people feeling like they are on a conveyor belt to  being really listened to and supported through treatment

( “ I am not a number “ I hear you cry !! ) .

 Which is where my role fits in as Fertility support coordinator .

I am here to see clients individually , to run a support group and set up new workshops on such issues as stress management and coping when treatment fails .

I am also here for people to just drop in on and let off a bit of steam . And steam there often is during treatment …

Basically it is a role I am chuffed to bits to be doing and one which I hope will make a  difference to patients welfare .

So thats the overview ..here are some of the highlights from these last few weeks ..

• Met a lovely young lady about to sign up as a donor because she had been moved by reading of the need for egg donors out there . What a fantastic thing to be doing , and what an inspirational route to be taking to help others

 

• Met up with the rest of the staff here and again amazed at the great work they are doing . From the receptionist who always makes an effort even at the busiest of times to the VERY hard working nurses  , these people really are making a difference .

 

• Managed to brave it into to the staff room ( felt about 12 yrs old !) to meet members of staff ..all very friendly and supportive and managed to regain composure enough to feel 36 again ..

 

• Written various pieces for the LWC  magazine

 

• Met several new patients in waiting room and office for quick chats all at various stages of treatment . Peoples stories and paths to parenthood never cease to move and inspire me . And to remind me that we are not alone in our fertility issues .

 

• Set up plans for a new support group here at the clinic to be started and launched in next few weeks …

 

• Had large physical battle with the tea machine in waiting area and WON …1-0 to me in the battle to make a decent cuppa …YESSS !

 

More than anything I have realised again the enormity of what people face when going through infertility . The daily sadness , mingled with hope , determination and resolve . And realised again the sheer number of people facing this issue .

There is such a lot of support out there . from places like the London Women’s clinic , to the Wonderful work of INUK ( www.theinfertilitynetworkuk.com ) , to the great people using Twitter to raise awareness and comprehension .

Though lonely and frustrating there is help and support to be found .

I hope to be a part of that help and look forward to what the next few months and years will bring .

All best wishes

Anya

Fertility support coordinator and champion of the Tea machine at the London Women’s clinic

There are many days in the calender that can cause even the toughest of people to crumble when facing Infertility . Usually the ones marked out with some sort of Clintons cards overload on the high street . But Mothers day for many people will be the hardest .

I remember distinctly one year when we were right in the middle of a whole load of tests and unhelpful comments from specialists sitting in church as they brought flowers round for all the mums .

And I just felt so unbearably sad .

Luckily for me I have a fantastic husband who knew just how badly this would be hurting  me and who chose to treat me like a queen anyway that day .We had a lovely meal together , went to the cinema and generally indulged in the two of us .

The hurt was still there , as it often is with Infertility , but some lovely food and a crappy film certainly went a long way in helping me to feel valued .

And perhaps thats what is important on any day that needs that extra bit of support . To be with those that make us feel that actually we are special and wonderful and living a good life , despite circumstances .

Mother or not ( YET ! ).

To take time also to value ourselves . To say a huge giant enormous well done to us for fighting and battling for something so valuable .

Dont underestimate what a lot Infertility will plonk on your plate , without being asked for !

And yet here you are , doing the best that you can . Probably ticking all the right preconception boxes , let alone the tests , the appointments the highs and lows of Infertility . You are amazing , and one way or another you will get through this . But for now stop and allow yourself a well done .

USE mothers day as a day to be self indulgent .

Use mothers day to recognise what you are facing and acknowledge your achievements thus far , be they small or big .

Use Mothers day as a day to do whatever you want and be with whoever you need to be ..it is a NO OBLIGATIONS day ! No ought to’s , should’s , or people pleasing .

And ultimately remember that Mothers day , like Christmas , like Easter , like every other clintons cards moments is tough for many more people that we know , and for many many reasons .

And just like ALL those other days it is just a day and it soon shall pass .

I hope your day is as good as it can possibly be within the circumstances , and that you buy yourself AT LEAST one huge bunch of flowers .

All best wishes

Anya

I have just finished reading the newsletter of a wonderful organisation called ” More to Life ” an organisation designed to support those people living , for various reasons , without Children .

I first became aware of them after joining INUK , the Infertility network , as up to that point no clinic that I had been in was showing their literature .

A situation I still feel angry about as theirs is a crucial part of the overall Infertility picture , and yet largely ignored and overshadowed by baby photos .

They are a wonderful group of honest , brave and generous people , looking at issues of identity , relationships and reevaluating their life’s journey .

The work they do is utterly essential because the hard truth is that for some people this will be the end of a stage of the journey .

And yet , as the name suggests , this is far from a group of victims , but rather a group determined to work out how to live fully and honestly without children . To find that there are actually can be more to life ..

As anyone reading this Blog will know , the More to life path is a different one to the end of my own particular journey and therefore I cannot claim to fully understand their unique perspective .

Talking to people and sitting in on their meetings however has helped and  I have found people able to talk about the sadness honestly , whilst equally the things that have helped them move on .

For one man in particular he has used the passion he feels in an amazing way , by going out every weekend and collecting money for MTL outside his local supermarket .

Just think for a moment how utterly brave that decision is . Not just in giving up his time but in making himself vulnerable enough to become a spokesperson for the thousands of men he represents .

Many people have said encouraging things to him as he collects and yet their have been times of complete insensitivity and ridicule too that he has had to face .

Of all the many paths that Infertility will take us down , the involuntary Childlessness route is surely one of the least talked about ,least understood and least acknowledged .

But as we do that we marginalise a group of people even more than ever and put our heads in the sands even further

I would not claim it is an easy path , or one that many would have chosen , but nor is it the end of the road that many might fear . Rather , through the support of people such as More to life , it can be a new beginning .

For more information do please visit

www.infertilitynetworkuk.com/moretolife/

Best wishes

Anya

It is a cold Tuesday evening and I am a grown woman of nearly 36 reduced to a huge pulpy crying mess . Why ? Because I have just sat down and re watched the Discovery channel documentary about our road to become a family

Just before the birh of our son we received a phone call asking if my husband and I would consider being filmed for a series called ” Extreme pregnancies ” about people who had had to fight to achieve the families of their dreams . To say we fitted the bill would be an understatement !

Our story managed somehow to cover male infertility , poor ovarian reserve ,early menopause , miscarriage , immune issues ,and odds of 1 in 125,000 of ever conceiving .I almost felt like we were making it up ourselves !

And so we agreed to be part of the programme and at 8 months pregnant they started the interviews and followed the story right through to the birth of our son .

It is an amazing record of that time in our lives , of all the hurt, sadness ,anger, and dissapointment , finally culminating in a happy ending .

Watching it through again I am struck by how much we went through as a couple . As individuals  , and how well we coped .

And by ” coped ” I dont mean sailed through , but rather simply kept going , one foot in front of the other . Shouting crying and screaming along the way , one step at a time . I am immensely proud of that strength . I am immensely proud of us as a couple . And every single day I am immensely grateful for our family .

And yet . what I have just described is actually not so extraordinary , nor really so ” extreme ” . It is only what thousands of people face on a daily basis when going through Infertility .The highs and lows , sadness and crapyness that is Infertility .

I am proud then not just of myself , but sincerely for every single client , support group member and person I dont know who faces fertility issues . We are stronger than we know .

I hope you can keep going , one step at a time and give yourselves the credit you deserve .

Best wishes

Anya